It all started when I was age 11-12. My dad was an alcoholic and was hardly ever around, my mother had a year or two of being ill & was hardly out of bed. I had to play mum for my brothers and sisters. One night i stayed over with my cousin. We were laughing and making noise so I was put into a different room. His dad came in and sexually abused me, it went to court and it was my word against his "the case was not proven." I hated myself because I didn't fight back or even scream and in the way I got turned on. Then just over one year later I met a guy by accident he was in his 30s he was very manipulating and controlling, he made me think he loved me and that i needed him, ultimate mind played game player. He basically stalked me and would say he would tell every one everything all the time. I felt trapped but just couldn't tell anyone cause of the guilt of the 1st abuse. I thought people would think I wanted it or had made it up. He often raped and would beat me leading to me having a breakdown when I was 14/15 and was admitted to hospital. I was in hospital for a few months and when it was time for me to come out my parents didn't want me because I had lied to them about what happened to me over the past two years, among other things. So I was handed over to social services. I didn't understand why I got "blamed" for what had happened, why my family were angry at me. Doctors and therapist police and others were telling me "I had no control" how this guy was very clever and had a history of abusing other children but on the other hand my family were angry and couldn't understand why I lied to them & kept secrets for so long. This made me think maybe the man did love me maybe he was right I did need him! So I dropped all the charges pushing my family even further away! I ran away when I was 16 to a strange city I used to go out to clubs and drink all the time.

I met a guy when I was 16/17 I thought he loved me but he ended up very abusive too another control freak mind game player. He too was very abusive both mentally and physically often leading to me being hospitalized and on 1 occasion needing corrective surgery, I always knew I should leave him but never did, my reasons for this were I had no one else and I guess I just thought this was normal.

I became obsessed with this man and ended up at the stage where I was wanting & waiting for the next time for him to hit me. He would treat me like an idiot, I didn't count and normally spoke to me like dirt!

I sort of ended up almost wanting to be abused.

When I finally did get away I spent a year getting drunk and taking drugs going out clubbing every other night until I had a massive wake up call by getting in trouble with the police.

After this everything slowed down and I spent months and months in my bed I started cbt with a clinical psychologist which I do find helpful (some) times and also started taking anti depressants, I have been on 6 types of them now I know they have helped me but I am sick of the side effects.

This has been one of the hardest things I have had to write and would have liked to spend more time on detail grammar, etc.! but soz just cant! Basically be it the abuse, my family, mental illness or whatever I have had a live of fighting an inner hate, an inner disgust which at times has consumed me resulting in me self harming & overdosing, even self harming in the sense of being reckless and taking unnecessary risks with excessive drug/alcohol/sex/spending! Often don't know why but guess sheer escapism and lack of self respect play a large part! More recently almost gave up with doctors etc and looked into "alternative" help!

I would like to take this chance to tell anyone who can relate to what I have been through so far I have found that at the end of the day you are ultimately alone in this life yes we can have good friends doctors or whatever but only ourselves do we truly know what we feel what's going on in our head! Maybe im just a cynic but I know believe We have got to learn to be on our own as in taking some responsibility in dealing with and seek ways for us to help ourselves! We got to keep fighting and conquer "it" whatever it is!

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